Of course, there are different kinds of love. The quiet, motherly love expressed in endless little acts of kindness towards your own children is like a sweet unobtrusive music playing in the background. This love has been food for my soul for all these years of parenting day and night, mostly solo with little break if ever any. It has been my propelling force – to give my daughters unconditional, love based upbringing. In all waking aspects of my life I was dedicated to providing them with what was missing from that other person they never were getting it from. As if to bring the balance – I was determined to give the very best out of myself, to fill them with love, sense of worth and skills to handle life. I think I succeeded in many ways, judging from their happy faces and the way they respond to life, I am proud of them.
It is undeniable that in order to give love we need to allow ourselves to receive it. We need to let it flow through us, give and receive, like a tide. The thought, that it is hard to fill when we are empty, somehow has eluded me. I maintained balance even though I was clearly always giving only. Until one day when it struck me that I run out of steam. I was like an empty vessel. It also crossed my mind that my children were perhaps viewing me as an unloved and unfulfilled woman. What example was I setting? Was I happy?
Today, this love I am writing about is not at all quiet and sacrificing, it is awe-strucking, electric and unexpected. It is unpredictable, passionate, abundant and expressive, the kind that makes you do crazy things. Suddenly I feel a veil has been lifted up for me to see a whole new layer of life. I feel it and experience it on a level I haven’t even imagined ever existed. Almost as if I had been dreaming thus far and the reality was hidden from me for so many years. Now I feel I am alive again.