Interestingly, I used to dwell in Hell, here on Earth. One that I had created with my own hands, in my mind and solely for myself. It was years ago, when I was stuck in a rather unhappy, abusive marriage. I was a stay at home mom to two daughters and my husband worked to provide for us. The usual story with an exception that as a financially dependent person I truly didn’t have courage to speak up or ask for anything. My husband had displayed a range of bipolar disorder symptoms over the years but I didn’t put two and two together and took all the blame, rage, shit he would throw at me at face value. For years I struggled emotionally trying to reconcile his violent outbursts of anger and depression with his love for me and I would always find myself guilty. Up until a moment when too much was too much. Too much screaming, finger pointing, calling me dumb in front of my daughters and promising we would die as beggars on the street because of me. My love to him had trickled down over the years and what was left was a state of confusion, fear and lack of hope. Honestly, as a stay at home mom with young daughters and no family in United States I felt I had very limited choices. In fact, in my mind I could not see any exit.
I consciously desired a change of fate but I believed nothing could ever have been done about it. I detested my reality, yet I never dared to shape it in a way that would reflect my needs and wants. I was in a limited mind set where all I could perceive and understand was my misery, pain and darkness. I felt immobilized, stuck and without options. From my today’s perspective I can see clearly that I had created Hell for myself and wasn’t capable at that time to liberate myself from it. I kept perpetuating my status quo oblivious to the fact that the only person who could remove me from hell was myself. I lived through fear, darkness and self-doubt. Somewhere deep inside I knew though, there had to be way to free myself from my suffering but I was under impression that perhaps I just needed to wait for the miracle to happen…
Little did I know that miracles only happen when we decide to help them along… and act. Over the time, I shifted my attitude from that of a victim to a conscious seeker of change. I came across people with words of wisdom who awoke something in me. I searched my soul and finally found strength to fight, to change, to move forward. I was not a coward anymore paralyzed by fear. Step by step I reprogrammed my mind, my beliefs and my attitude. Miraculously, I was being helped along my journey by various persons who came consciously to give me more love, comfort and encouragement. Once I was walking on the beach with my eyes low in the sand, my shoulders stooped and my soul dark as a rain cloud. Then, I suddenly felt I had to raise my head only to meet an unknown old woman coming my way. I have never seen her before and yet she was looking directly at me and smiling. Her smile was warm and had some unexplainable ethereal quality that just warmed my soul. She gazed in my eyes and handed me a tiny fragrant flower. She said it was the sweetest smelling thing she knew of and added that “I was going to be fine.” Then she walked away and I was left with a overwhelming sense of being supported on my path. I knew universe wanted me to succeed and approved of my efforts to extricate myself from my misery. I was given similar love and hope gifts a few more times and each of them I carry deep inside my heart as a reminder of people’s kindness and universal love.
Eventually, I found a job, had found tons of support from my friends as I finally dared to open up and talk about my problems. As I was able to share my worries with my friends I felt as if some of my burden was gone, it was so therapeutic.
Months later I was ready to make the final shift. One day, in the morning, I found a place that seemed safe and right for me and my girls. I was hours away from filing all necessary paperwork to lease it. I was standing outside my door gazing at the luminous body of the goddess moon in her full glory contemplating my decision to move out with my children and leave my husband. As I was silently watching the moon I felt this calm yet powerful voice “Do it NOW or never.” The next day I got that apartment and announced my decision to my husband. The move went smoothly as my friends pitched in to help me and I suddenly found myself at the threshold of a brand new life. Life that I imagined and prayed for. Finally, on my own, just with my girls. The hell was over.