I am sick and sleep is scarce, or rather the dreams aren’t dreams at all. They are a never-ending string of delusions that border on insanity. They seem so real I lose my sense of self and am confused where the reality ends and the “danse macabre” begins. Sweaty and shallowly breathing I drift from one nightmare to another. There is no end to it and I suddenly know the meaning of hell.
The air is heavy and dark. Morbid and fear rule this barren and forgotten realm. I hide in ice-cold desolated buildings without humans living in them that reach up high and block out the sun. Or maybe the sun never shines here anyway. This land is so utterly and despicably depressing and barren that the only natural reaction is to flee. And yet there is no hope here, no exit. This is the place to be. This is the place devoid of love because love has been replaced by fear. In my sweat drenched nightmare I don’t know that I am inside my dream. Dream that has all of the qualities of hell-like structure.
Years ago I watched “What Dreams May Come” with Robin Williams and Anabella Sciorra who eventually commits suicide and goes to Hell. Apparently, her Hell is based on her own interpretation of what it must be like. Quite rightfully so, since my hell would probably differ considerably from hers. When I come to think of it, my hell is based on one basic premise – lack of love and pure presence of fear, omnipresent fear and void. As I go deeper into my darkest most inmost corners of my soul and dig for the meaning of hell – the fleeting images fill me with horror. To me hell would be missing my daughters and my lover/partner forever. It would be giving up hope that I can see, touch them at least one more time. I would be devastated.
To me, hell would be not being able to watch my girls grow, see their smiles, giggles, not being able to hear them laugh and see them dance. If I knew I were never to see and hear them I would be mortified.
Then, I analyzed what makes me human the most and found out it was the touch, the human touch that meant so much to me. Not being able to wake up in the morning feeling my daughters curled up against me would upset me. Not being able to hold them tight in my arms, feel their soft little bodies would crush me.
Losing my partner would mean never ever being able to look in his eyes, seeing the spark and love in them. I would miss our passionate hugs, kisses and holding each other in arms forever. I would be heartbroken if I were never again to feel the beat of his heart under my head or stroke his hair with my fingers. I would be devastated if we were never again to make love together, united in our passion for each other and in love. I adore touching him and holding him close to my heart. Thus, hell would be losing all that.
Death does it to us, humans. We lose our physicality and that part of human connection is gone forever once our beloved one moves on to the other side of life. Yet, I believe, we can be still connected even then. Just that the connection will never be the way it used to be and that’s something I would mourn. Life on Earth, which is called reality but in fact is known as Maya or illusion by Buddhists and Hindus, is really about experiencing LOVE through our physical senses as well as through our divine channels. Knowing my loved ones thrive on the other side would be comforting, I know, I would keep spiritual connection but I would surely miss that elemental and primal element of my Earthly love towards them – the physical touch.
Living on Earth is blissful and sometimes painful but through intensity of our agony and ecstasy we collect our experience for our Soul. There is one difference, however, between the Hell we imagine that exists somewhere and the life on Earth. That difference is fundamental – here on Earth – there is always hope and it is up to us to make it better. The hell from stories, the hell we choose to dwell within, the one we create for ourselves, the one from our darkest corners of the soul – the one we fear exists for real – this one has no hope. There is only abandon and void, emptiness and lack of love. God forbid you ever find yourself there because s/he never intended you to dwell there; it is only us, humans who consciously choose so.