It’s OK to divorce.
I know that to bring up this topic in a conversation is an excellent way to polarize the group into two opposite and competing sides.
First will argue that everything that goes wrong in marriage can be fixed given the fact that both partners are ready and willing to work it through. The supporters of this opinion often view the divorced single people as failures who hadn’t tried hard enough, gave up and chose an easier solution. These people were most likely blessed with a partner who is open to negotiation, will do his or her share of self-improvement and is committed to them.
Now, I belong to the other group that believes it OK to divorce. Naturally, when we say our love vows we believe it is forever and for good or worse. But sometimes life is unpredictable…
Not always your partner will be open to work on his challenges and not always things between two grown-ups can be repaired.
When I chose my husband I didn’t know he was controlling… He used a variety of controlling techniques that I didn’t know at a time were just his tools to get what he wanted. I felt often belittled, small and guilty. It started really early on in our relationship but I haven’t put two and two together. One of his favorite ones was, “I will divorce you if you don’t…”
He was verbally abusive. Nothing can be done if the other person thinks he is fine but you are the one who is always wrong. He won’t believe you when you are trying to negotiate or work things out. He will tell you it is your problem and not his. That you need to change or perhaps visit a psychiatrist. In my marriage I was guilty for everything, no excuses. I didn’t even know often what my spouse would view as wrong and when. It felt like walking on the eggshells all the time. My husband could explode any moment, he was like a bomb with a detonator, you never knew what would trigger him. And things certainly triggered him…
He was insane. At some point one of my neighbors pointed out to me to research bi-polar disorder. Interestingly, so many things suddenly started making sense to me. When I confronted him and offered to look for some medical help he turned the tables and accused me of being crazy. Talking to him didn’t seem to help as he would often not recall what we already agreed on and it was always like starting from zero.
There was no way I could ever raise two happy and socially adjusted beings and remain sane at the time with the man who was clearly destroying himself and us. The abuse was getting worse. After almost 15 years I felt like a shadow of a person I used to be. I vaguely remembered the vibrant and confident me from before the marriage. I became a meek, submissive and listless woman with a forlorn look in my eyes, looking much older and unhappy. Though I believe there had to be a spark of my former self buried deep inside my soul as I slowly started realizing that I could change my life.
Sometimes the only solution to saving yourself is to leave the other person. There was no way I could work things out while I was being systematically destroyed. In my case it was a verbal and emotional abuse and it left me degraded, bereft of my self-confidence, humiliated. I can only imagine what physical abuse can do to other women…
This leads me to say that if you haven’t been in my shoes you won’t know what toll it takes to live with an abusive partner. You won’t ever understand how it destroys you, demeans you and puts you down. Clearly, if you are able to fix your marriage it means you haven’t been in my predicament. Be happy and pat yourself on your shoulder for doing the right thing but don’t go around condemning others for not trying hard enough.