“Life is chaos, build a temple of peace in your heart”
I was born a Capricorn and as such I thrived on creating my reality in a predictable way. Already as a child I liked to know what to expect. I enjoyed making plans and was anticipating special events as long as they were scheduled and announced in advance. I felt safe and secure knowing what was ahead and needed to know the exact details of any adventure to enjoy it. Certainty was the spice of my life.
In my late 30’s my guardian angel decided that I was ready to experience some new flavors and served me a plate full of surprises. Gone were my stability, predictability and a sense of knowing where I was heading. All of a sudden I was hanging by a thread, unsure what future had in store for me. I spent a couple of years not knowing how I was going to move on with my life. From that moment I only could TRUST that things would work out for me but I had no idea HOW this would happen.
My transformation was long and painful. I thought of it as the darkest hour of my life. I remember waking up in the mornings and not wanting to face the day. I was scared and could only pray for the better outcome. Slowly, ever so slowly things started moving forward and I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
As I am finding a new footing in my life I am more aware that I am not the same person I used to be. My understanding of the life process is different than 5 years ago. I revel in the fact that I am a part of the perfect creation that we call the Universe and even though my part is small, it is still an important one. With this in mind, I feel protected and supported in all aspects of my being. Just that single thought puts me at ease and lets me open up a little more to be who I truly am.
I admit, it is not always easy to have an absolute trust in the process of life. My mind still gets in the way as it wants to convince me that being open and vulnerable is fundamentally a risky business. I see my mind or ego as an extension of what makes me a unique person, though. In contrast to my soul, which is eternal, all knowing and doesn’t experience fear, ego’s purpose is to keep my body alive. Ego is not a foe but a vital force that sets me in motion to reach for the stars. Most of the time I remember who I am, a timeless soul with a body and mind. Sometimes, though, I forget my boundless splendor and identify myself with my ego. I think it likes to play games with me. Whenever I believe I finally found peace I am proven wrong. Somehow, life has its way of throwing new obstacles to help me yet again revisit my fears and insecurities. Each time shit happens I need to go deep within, find my core and rebound.
When I enter my heart I find my peace. Never there has been a time when I wasn’t able to find the answer to my questions, doubts or insecurities once I consulted my trusted and loving heart. My heart is my strength. It knows who I am, it is my essence. It knows no fear and is the seat of my soul. Naturally, when I go deep within, I find myself in my purest form. While it sounds easy, it takes practice to reach the heart.
Listening to my heart has not always been effortless. The mind often interfered and tried to convince me that my heart based choice was not sensible, that I would end up regretting it. It took a lot of nerve to defy the dispassionate logic of my mind, especially in the world where the success is measured by status, money and power.
Following my heart’s subtle motion, I relinquished control over my life and allowed it to flow and unfold in front of my eyes. The hardest part was to let go of it and trust that my path is unique and can’t be compared to anyone’s.
My last five years were rocky and the last two, even though less painful, still proved to be far from peaceful. I am still in transition: building a new relationship, watching my daughters grow, going back to college and figuring out my career options. This process of gaining equilibrium has been extremely long for me. I crave a little bit of stability in my life, a plateau of sorts. Starting on new adventures is exciting but it is also taxing and I simply want to rest. Apparently, it is not time for me to rest, yet ;-).