There is a basket with yarn in the corner of my room. It’s filled with crochet hooks, knitting needles and of course skeins of yarn of different colors and texture. For quite some time I have been intentionally avoiding looking in this corner simply because what once used to be a promise of possible knitting projects was now a tangle of yarn. Somehow bit by bit once carefully placed skeins became a mess. As I was looking at it I was aware they were a pretty good representation of what was currently going on in my life, too. A tangled mess of unfinished projects, a sad reflection on my life.
A postponed meeting here, an unfinished piece of writing I was preparing to publish but never got around to doing it, a divorce in the works with plenty of paperwork to be completed. As I was looking at the basket I was more and more aware that certain things always take priority. That was the case with my own life. As long as I was struggling with finding a sense of financial and emotional security some other projects were put on a back burner. I was truly in a transformative stage for over two years and I was getting exhausted by it and looking forward to finding some balance.
Life has its sense of humor and has offered me some surprising lessons. One of them them, in particular, was to never expect I was done with my share of spiritual learning. Over the period of last couple years I have learned more than in my entire life. Which meant many nights I was wide awake tossing and turning with pressing thoughts rambling in my head. “Have I made the right decision?” or “Will I be able to pay the rent?” “Can I love and accept another person with all the bad and good stuff?” and “How to love a person I am?” were some of them. For over two years I was feeling as if my life was upside down and felt like living on the edge. This is when I found out about the dark night of the soul. As I searched to answer some of my questions related to the intensity of the experience I was going through I finally understood that I was just waiting to emerge from my chrysalis.
This reminded me of a caterpillar held captive inside its cocoon and its painful transformation that takes time. The caterpillar doesn’t know how long it will take and neither what is happening during the metamorphosis. It always takes time, I kept reminding myself. The universe works its magic while I am in the state of suspension, miraculously unaware of what new person I was going to emerge. I truly felt it was a never-ending process of keeping the faith.
Sometimes all it takes is the right time and life shifts to make certain opportunities available. Yet, even armed in that knowledge I was sometimes miserable and on the verge of losing my trust. The only thing I really needed was trust and not the logic. The cold-hearted logic was my enemy. If I relied on my mind I would be scared to death. My choices during this two year process of shedding the old were purely based on the whispers of my heart. How else would I ever dare to move away from my husband with my two young daughters even though he threatened to destroy me. Then again, I followed my path fiercely when I found love again even though my head was telling me it was not the right time. During that time I often found myself questioning my choices immensely simply because they were flying in the face of my upbringing and the values I acquired throughout my life.
Then, one day I woke up and looked again at the dreaded basket with the yarn. This time, however, I picked up the skeins and carefully separated one from another. Then I sat down and slowly and patiently untangled all the knots. I was surprised, it wasn’t that difficult as I have imagined. All it took was the right state of mind and a will. Coincidentally, that very same day I got news that changed my life. I finally was moving forward and in the direction I was happy with.