There is an overwhelming and quite riveting sense of new and unknown coming to my life. It is waiting to manifest itself and I am profoundly aware of its presence even though I cannot tell yet what it is.
I have been waiting for a sign, I have been praying for the new to come into my life for a long time. Being in transition is not the easiest thing. I felt like I moved on in many aspects of my life over the past two years and yet there is so much more that needs to undergo a change … So I waited for the slightest hint, I meditated and chanted. Waking up each morning and not having a desire to open my eyes, getting up only cause there is a rhythm to the day that needs to be followed. Each passing day was hard, as I didn’t know where I was going, I felt like I was floating on the river of life allowing currents to move me along with the flow of the universe. There were days when I felt at peace knowing and trusting that I was on the right track. Feeling blissful and happy.
And then there were days when I was facing my own fears, the demons of the past conditioning whispering into my ear about possibility of failure and lack of security in my life. The more I feared the more it was a struggle to stay positive and embrace my new life of not knowing where I was being led. The strength I needed to remain focused on the light and to keep an absolute trust in the universe came from many sources.
Love was definitely the most powerful force that kept me going. Love for my daughters and love of life itself. Even in my darkest hour I was still able to remember that my children are the light of my life. Life itself is also very forgiving, one day I was smiling and laughing and the next in my dark mood contemplating what’s to come. I felt the journey through the unknown territory of life was intoxicating at times. And scary…
Today I finally made a breakthrough … I realized that all my expectations mean nothing, that all I am trying so hard to envision and manifest is just my illusion ~ or Maya because I don’t know the grand scheme of things. I sense but I don’t really know what is the best for me. I, a Capricorn, like to plan ahead, this gives me a sense of stability and security. Yet, as I am attempting to follow the less trodden path, I am unlearning to rely on all these things we usually depend on to feel a sense of worth. Money, recognition coming from having money and fame, social status – these things surely make life easier when we have them. Try to lose them and see what is left…
With my new awareness I sense that it is OK to live life without these things. Last two years I was shedding my preconceived notions of what a person needs to be confident. Instead I started seeking the courage and worth within myself, in my heart. It was right to lose my expectations, too. Because with my somehow limited vision I am not able to comprehend the complexity of possibilities that are available to me on a cosmic level. Stubbornly I prayed for things my mind could grasp and never for the ones that are outside the scope of my narrow experience. Not that I am narrow-minded but simply because there might be more to life than I know.
From today I promise myself to be open to endless possibilities life has to offer and stop envisioning self-limiting scenarios. I will be more grateful for what I already have and especially for the love and the people who are on my journey with me. I will stop defining who I am and who I am not. Choosing words to describe my life and myself is like setting my future in stone.
~ with gratitude,