I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Worthless and meaningless. There is that shroud of sadness and incapability that I can’t seem to shrug off.
Waking up numb and not understanding why I am awake and alive. Getting up to get my daughters ready for school, yes, there is still enough in me to do that. Yet when they are gone I come back and crawl back to my bed trying to reach the fleeting shadows of the divine I was once able to embrace. My whole being is subdued and I feel like blood is literally draining out of my veins and with it all life force I have had. My ambitions are nil, my motivation is gone. I feel trapped and lost. I can still use logic and get up from my bed but do I want to? I am not lazy, I am demotivated, perplexed and disillusioned about the purpose of my life. The thoughts of hopelessness are keeping me shut up and isolated from other people. It’s like being in a glass jar or a bell jar as Sylvia Plath described so well. I know there is life beyond that but I am totally incapable to leave my trap.
I remember I used to laugh and smile and live my life to the fullest. Today this seems more like an illusion, or a life that belonged to someone else. That happy and confident person I once were is absent now. The bubbling with energy and perky woman who used to get high on listening to the loud music and dancing all alone in the middle of the night. The woman who used to stay up late to blog and make art. Woman who enjoyed getting dressed up and get the looks from men. Who would go rollerblading and then walk on the wall where no one else dared to walk and get a kick out of it.
Now I still get up in the morning and get myself ready for the day and my room still looks pretty spotless (I know, I am miss perfectionist) but that’s just a facade. Behind it is an empty, withdrawn look, and I keep looking down to avoid the eye contact with other people. So how did I get myself so low?
The feeling of lowliness comes as a result of failing to find my purpose. I have been on the spiritual path for many years and followed the call of the divine. I have prophetic dreams and meditate regularly. I can get in tune with the whispers of the universe and yet I feel as detached from it all when I look at my life. The worst is comparing myself to other people. The feelings of incompleteness and financial ineptness overwhelm me. Even though I know better not to look at myself through the lens of what other people achieved I still do it, and I feel so inadequate that it terrifies me. But lack of money or social position isn’t the worst. It’s the path I am on, the path where I risk everything that society values and go against the tide.
Occasionally I feel like an outcast and that weighs on me. Following my intuition I have left behind some of the safer and socially acceptable roads to financial and emotional security. While mostly I feel guided, today I feel like a loser. My fears surface and I feel let down, lost and trapped. The thoughts that prevail are those of being powerless, foolish and naive to trust in the powers other than my own intellect.
As I write these words I realize that there are many like me who are suffering, too. People on spiritual path who are authentic and listen to the whispers of god but somehow got overwhelmed and scared. I know some of them. We are functioning in the society to a certain degree but we are hardly getting by. We manage to appear normal but we are not.
The reason I am writing these words is to perhaps make it more known that these feelings are common and normal. That being a human means facing the fears and doubting your own self. Falling and losing. I am 44 and still looking for my purpose…