When I feel different…

For the last almost ten years I was a mom and all my thoughts were on my daughters. I remember many a night I was going to sleep and still all that I could think of was my daughter’s first permanent tooth or that she has just learned to read. I sincerely enjoyed being their mother and the source of comfort for them.

And then slowly a new me started to emerge… I started looking forward to these moments that I had to myself as my daughters were getting older and a little more independent. All those years of attachment parenting were finally paying off, the girls were more self-confident and not so relying on me all the time. As I started to treasure the moments of time that I could use to my own liking, I discovered there was a deeply buried passion within me and I started to write. First it was my blog which was easy to work into our family life, a few paragraphs at a time. Eventually, I felt there was more to it and I started working on my first and then second book.

However, with this new passion of mine I started to see that I wasn’t fitting anymore in the circles of moms that I used to attend. I was still very focused on my daughters and homeschooling them but in all my free time I was dedicated to something greater than I. My zest to create, share my knowledge and perhaps have a positive influence on other people’s lives was so strong that I felt I was putting off some of my friends. I started wondering if I was crossing to some new land where none of the moms in my groups belonged?

Ultimately, I realized I was able to keep some of my friendships and connections that were deeper and based on mutual acceptance for who I was. However, some of the other friends were slowly vanishing from my life. My thought was that perhaps I was coming off too driven and ambitious while their only interest was being a perfect mom. The simple pleasures of baking brownies and making crafts with children used to be mine, too but now I was too detached from that and busy conjuring new chapters in my book.

As every mom with more on her mind than just mothering I was getting to feel a little guilty for not dedicating myself to be a 100% perfect mom. I was feeling frazzled by the demands of staying on the top of the mommy world and at the same time kindling my internal fire to create. While still tending to my daughters and being there for them, I realized I was not too absorbed in little chit-chats with other parents. I was looking for more meaningful and deep conversations. I wanted to reach out and connect with them on a more subtle level. I wanted to hear their true feelings and inner thoughts. I longed to listen to their heart.

As I am growing a new leaf – I am in process of finding a new balance and a new ground for myself. Keeping friendships and discovering new facets in each of us can be challenging sometimes. The friends I have made and stayed true to me are worthy keeping and they are what really matters in my life.

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