“Everyday you have an option to create your life the way you want it to be”
Yes, I have heard this phrase millions of times. The spiritual gurus’ newsletters I subscribed to have flooded my inbox with this or similar messages for months if not years. And yet, I always deleted them without a moment’s hesitation because I thought that this wisdom didn’t apply to me. I thought I had to be special, have a special life path and circumstances to be able to get what I truly wanted. I didn’t think I had a power to change my life and have it all.
It always seemed impossible and I was hurting just at the thought that there were others more capable of transforming their life and attracting the good. Sadly, I believed, I wasn’t one of them.
Then, one day when the heaviness of the existence seemed impossible to carry on any more I realized I had a single thought only, to remove myself from the source of my misery. It came from a deepest and utmost corner of my heart. I knew I had to be free again. Free to be myself and free to be happy. The predominant thought was to create a life free of drama and hurt for my daughters and myself. Once I knew what I truly wanted I DREAMED about it, I WROTE and TALKED about it. I was visualizing my new future and prayed for it each night before sleep.
Of course, I read “The Secret” as well as many other books and online resources on the subject, however, the way I was starting to shape my life now was a direct result of my inner readiness and certainty that I was right. There were days when I succumbed to the fear that I would fail. After all I was a stay at home mom without an income. Yet I dared to envision a new life without my husband. I knew I wanted to have my daughters with me and I foresaw the three of us living a carefree life together in the future. It took me two years from a moment I had that one single thought to get a divorce to a moment I moved out with our daughters. It took me a year to find strength and resources to file for the divorce and one more year to get it.
In the meantime I went though moments of doubt and moments of extreme clarity. Whenever I let my mind take over I was losing my inner peace and would start to question my sanity. In fact, the fear of losing my daughters was paralyzing. The only panacea for my fear was meditation and walks in nature. Each time I connected with the source I had an instant download and I knew I could do it, I could carry on my plan and succeed. This was not a voice of reason that urged me to carry on against all odds but my intuition. Over the years, I started to nurture that quiet and soft whisper of my soul so it became louder and louder. Eventually, I moved from a fear-based reality and learned to trust the universe was supporting me as long as I was following my heart.
Yesterday, I got divorced. I got full physical custody of my daughters even though I haven’t paid a penny to the lawyers. People whom I hardly knew and friends of my friends helped me. I only had to stick to my plan. The universe was on my side.
Now, every now and then I wake up in the middle of the night, it is still dark and cold in the bedroom and I am able to feel the softness of my daughter’s arm next to my body and a random toe pressed against my ribs. Our huge bed is cozy and my thoughts are too. I feel so grateful for the fact that my wish to be with my girls came true, that the connection and affection we have for each other is supported in the most safe and natural way. I am thankful upon waking up that they trust me and still like to sleep next to me. I feel blessed that we have this option and are together.
With this in mind, I know that I am capable of anything. If I could dream that out of the darkest and most desperate moment, if I could envision our life the way it is now, it only means I am perfectly able to push harder and achieve even more. And more is coming my way as I am now aware of my strength.